I Don’t Wanna Be

As I drove my son to school today, he was making arrangements for his car to be picked up.  The "appointment" was set for Thursday between 8 and 5.  Yes, a full nine hour window.  Just like the cable guy or any sort of service person for the house.  He then immediately became stressed with his already busy Thurs.  How was he going to pull it all off never knowing when these people will actually show up.  I kinda chuckled at him and explained this was one of the finer points in modern day "adulting."  Somehow, his disdain for it out of the gate tells me there is a whole lot more "adulting" realities he has yet to learn, much worse than waiting for a service person to show up.

After dropping him off, I had time to reflect on what came before this car ride.  It was a particularly impressive output at the gym.  I had my highest calorie burn to date in several years.  I had decided last week that my days of Dopey prep by keeping my paces low and working for endurance needed to end.  It was time to Spartan prep.  Yep, time to push.  Oh yes.  I had this all well under control.  Controlled output before a huge endurance run, beast mode for Spartan training.  This is me, exercise guru, motivating the masses, leading by example, watch me go..... had it all Gavin DeGraw style as my current musical selection would indicate.

I don't want to be anything 
Other than what I've been trying to be lately 
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind

There is only one huge flaw in that.  Did I really have peace of mind though?  I had a good discussion with my trainer today with one very pointed question.  Why?  Why did I slow down before Dopey?  Well to control the pace, go slower to go longer, seemed logical to me.  He asked if I was sure of that answer or if it was mental?  Was it fear?  Didn't I know the harder I trained the easier it was going to be outside of the gym?  I had it backwards.  I have spent the day mulling this over.  He was correct.  I was not in control, far from it.  Like the cable guy I kinda promised myself I would show up, bring the tools and get to work, yet figured out I was still waiting in the proverbial 8-5 window for months and calling it "controlled endurance training." Here's the reality.  I became complacent.   Four years in, and here I was sporting the brand of complacency that kept me unhealthy for decades.  Yes, I trained.  Yes, I ate reasonably, but did I really push, or just use Dopey as a convenient excuse to pull back as I had pulled back many other times in my life?  Every damn time I think I have me figured out and have left the bad habits behind, they appear in front of me like an unwanted house guest.  I now found myself grieving the physical gains I could have made by now if I had not done that.

I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn,

am I the only one to notice,

I can't be the only one who's learned

Identity crisis.  That is exactly it.  Four years of life changes to learn to be the best version of myself and yet its days like today when I realize I have a lot to learn, and where I came from will never be totally gone. As the song goes, I would suspect I am not the only one with this struggle.  I suppose there is a certain amount of comfort in that notion.  Finally the grief begins to subside as I cannot have those training days back. Instead, I was  left with the bright sunshine on a snowy day and the realization that I really do not have to be stuck anymore, and pushing myself physically to my limits is going to bring about whole new discoveries that will likely raise my proverbial bar even higher.  That is a truly awesome thought.  So maybe Gavin has it right.

I don't want to be anything 
Other than what I've been trying to be lately 
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind 
I'm tired of looking around rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be I don't want to be anything other than me 

So, here I sit ratting myself out to the masses, grateful to the trainer that called me out so that once again I could surpass my own line of crap and show up for myself, as I have for the last week, closing the proverbial service window I have left open for months.  Time to stop wandering and get busy being me because the best is yet to come.