Smash and Grab, Losing the Tools of the Trade

I have been a nurse practitioner for 18 years, and one thing I have learned is as providers we develop a nerdlike obsession with the tools of our trade.  For example, my first ten years in practice was in neurosurgery.  My beloved mentor taught me the only tools for appropriate neurological examination were the 128 cps weighted tuning fork, much longer than a standard tuning fork, and the long handled Queens Squarehead reflex hammer.  The irony of said hammer is that it is actually round.  It was explained to me it was named for the town in England where  it was invented.  Nonetheless, learning to use these specific tools proved to offer accurate neurological exams every time. 

After ten years of neurosurgery, I made my triumphant return to the emergency room, where I had to add to my tool collection, a stethoscope.  Not just any stethoscope.  I did my homework and bought what most medical professionals had, a Littman.  A Littman lightweight II.  Yes, there were others above and below this model, but this is what I wanted.  Longer tubing than the more expensive Cardiology 3, and, well, it came in purple.  The new tool of my trade. That Littman and I have practiced for eight years together.  Tried and true listening to wheezy lungs, bruits and heart murmurs.  An extension of me in my work life. Let us not forget, one more thing in my field, the ever important work bag.  In 18 years of practice, I had received a variety of free bags from vendors and institutions celebrating nurse practitioner week and things, mostly low end bags that needed replacing by the time I was offered another.  However, two years ago, I received the mother of all bags.  The high end back pack with a padded pocket for a laptop, and multiple pockets for my tools.  I suppose I get nerdy over this stuff the way someone who has an actual office would be about the art on the wall.  Yes, I had finally hit the sweet spot in work gear.  That is until it was gone.

Just a young gun with a quick fuse,

I was uptight, 

Wanna let loose

A week and a half ago, I would walk out of the hotel I was staying in for work, headphones on, Imagine Dragons playing, gearing up for another shift when I would see it.  Something was wrong.  My car didn't look right.  As I approached the driver's side, I saw an odd shaft of light on the seats, there was glass, lots of glass.... it took me a minute to get my mind to focus, my passenger window had a hole in it.  My work bag was gone.  The tricks of my trade were gone. I had mistakenly left my wallet in there, as I had a two hour commute plus a ten hour day the day before and was tired.  Yes, that was gone too explaining the "did you try to use your card at WalMart at 3:00 am?" message from Capitol One I had received. I would go back into the hotel in a panic.  The desk person immediately pulled out notebooks looking for protocols or something.  I heard myself saying,"you don't need a protocol.  Put it down and call the police!"  Admittedly, it came out harsher than I planned as did the conversations that followed by bystanders who would ask me what happened as I stood waiting on police. 

Thunder, feel the thunder,

Lightning and the thunder,

Who do you think you are?

Dreaming 'bout being a big star?

 I was flustered and angry, trying to cancel credit cards while I waited for police, getting my head around that these people  had several forms of ID for me now.  My whole identity was now at the mercy of these thieves.  Police would come and try to provide reassurance that these were likely kids who really only want money and not my expired passport they made off with, explaining this is all too common, as with the way the law is they get away with it.  We would finish the report and I would go on to drive to work in a car seat, despite my best effort was still loaded with shards of glass.  I would also have no purple Littman, only a disposable stethoscope from the clinic drawer that had awful acoustics and hurt my ears.  In between seeing patients, I would quickly hop on Amazon and order the first reasonably priced Littman I could find and see about something better later.  

Thunder, feel the thunder,

Lightning and the thunder

The day felt completely out of control.  I was not working in the greatest city that day either. My insurance could not find someone out there to secure the glass.  It was a busy patient day made more stressful by walking to the door every few mins to be sure no one else tried to get into my car.  Then it happened.  The phone call from the sargeant,"Amy.  I have your stuff."  By some stroke of luck, many of my belongings had been recovered in an abandoned stolen vehicle.

Have a seat in the foyer, take a number,

I was lightning before the thunder

Friday, I had to return to the same area for work.  I would find myself at the police department after my shift being fingerprinted in front of the holding cell.  They had recovered my stolen Capitol One card and needed to know which prints on it were mine.  I would then proceed to the crime lab to recover my belongings.  I was presented with contents of my work bag found in a baby seat of the stolen car, the bag was gone.  I was also given all the contents of my wallet including all of my identifying information.  Although, this should have been a relief, the gravity of strangers busting into my space and rooting through all of my things had me suddenly have a deep emotional understanding as to what it is to be the victim of a crime.  

A good night of rest and on to my shift on Saturday, I would find I had to use my fancy bag I use for my foundation.  It has our original embroidered logo, with our original tag line, and references our 2018 race team.  At first, I didn't want to use this bag.  It was a really nice bag I use for my business.  Then again, things have changed.  It is not 2018.  Our logo has changed and we have a whole new tagline.  We have big hairy goals and have grown by leaps and bounds since then with huge events on the horizon.  Maybe, it's time to consider this my "free bag" and order a new one for the business. 

I would pull out my new Littman.  It wasn't purple.  It was a different model, as I was in a panic when I ordered it.  Wait a minute though.  It was bronze and brown.  Super sharp.  I had to admit it had amazing acoustics, with soft tubing as it hung around my neck and suddenly I realized I really liked it.  Tonight, as I finally had the wherewithal to remove my stolen items from my car I would see the purple stethoscope.  It was in a bag with words like "larceny" and "evidence".  The left earpiece is cracked and has been, the tubing is stiff and drying out from being sanitized multiple times a day for eight years, and in areas there is a dingy that will never go away.  

                                     

I was dreaming of bigger things,

and want to leave my old life behind

Thunder, thunder

Thunder, thun', thunder

The glass guy ultimately told me the shatter proof window I had meant someone worked extra hard that day to bust into my world and shake things up.  However,  I am beginning to think that sometimes that is exactly what we need if we are going to stop clinging so tightly to things that do not work as well as they once did, and missing the possibility that something greater exists.  Oh yes, my new foundation bag is on the way symbolizing where we are headed, and I will have the old one with me at work at all times to remind me of where we began and yes, I am  not ashamed to admit that I am enjoying a raging thunderous nerd attack surrounding my sexy new stethoscope.   In all, I certainly cannot say that being the victim of a crime is a great thing, it feels vulnerable and even painful at times, but it has taught me with new eyes to see that the best is yet to come.