Like so many others, I have spent the first two weeks of this year reflecting on the events of 2020. The COVID, the unrest, a world like we have never seen. It all seemed so unreal at times. I clung to what I could do. Trust what I had learned in the last five years before the pandemic to create my own training and do my best to move forward . I held on to my 20 years in clinical practice as a nurse practitioner to shape the way I attacked this thing called COVID. It was difficult, sure, but I found ways to pull off small wins to propel me forward, maybe not shining as brightly as I did pre-COVID, but forward. That is until December 9th. It was what should have been a typical Wednesday. I was off with a laundry list of things to do, the first of which was my annual physical.
Let me define,"annual". If I am being perfectly honest, I have not had an "annual" physical in 2.5 years. Why? As a healthcare provider, I too am victim of "Do as I say, not as I do." Life had gotten in the way. Busy with work and kids and life at 100 mph, had this simple act of a check-up lost in the sea of busy. I wasn't worried. I trained. I ate well. I drink water. I attempt to sleep well...ok I'm a miserable failure at sleep but it is not for lack of trying. Ah, a story for another day. Nonetheless, what did I need a physical for anyway? Yet, in the corner of my mind was the small reminder my mom had breast cancer and I was overdue for my mammogram. That should not be blown off. I have training to do, a job to work and a foundation to run. I certainly do not have time for breast cancer. So, I guess I went if for no other reason than to get a mammogram order.
My previous doctor has moved on and I was met by a new one. A woman I quickly came to like. She was my age, worked as a provider, had kids and consequently knew what my life was about so I didn't have to explain it to her. Through the course of the visit she said a phrase that I hear in my head all the time now,"your blood pressure is high."
I was quick to dismiss her and blame the coffee and allergy meds I had taken earlier that morning. I told her not to worry, I would check it at home, I was sure it was fine, because even when I was morbidly obese all that time, I never had high blood pressure. I left there with my mammogram scheduled and a referral for the dreaded turning 50 colonoscopy. There. Mission accomplished. As a precaution, I did begin checking, and I would discover not only was the blood pressure not fine, it was stroke level not fine, 185/104at times.
I quickly learned what I have passed off as heartburn and sinus pressure in recent months was actually extremely high blood pressure with chest pain. In the couple weeks that followed my physical, I had an emergent work up with cardiology. No, it was not safe for me to train. So much for my time with my heavy lifting tribe I have grown to love. The meds were not working very well and lets be fair, I was rip shit pissed. You mean to tell me I have spent six freaking years changing my life. Six years of blood sweat and tears to reach this level of fitness, only to wind up in the cardiologist's office with a blood pressure of 200/100 during that visit? I found myself begging the cardiologist to understand,"I have done two full marathons, six half marathons, fifteen spartan races and two Savage races in the last three years alone. I run. I should not be here. I was morbidly obese most of my life and NEVER had high blood pressure. This should not be the case." There was something completely unfair about all of this.
He knows me personally and what I have done in recent years and absolutely agreed, yet it absolutely was the case. Test after test, the EKG, the renal artery ultrasound, the CT angiogram of my heart following a blood test showing some evidence of heart strain, a blood test for my adrenal glands, only to get the phone call,"Your coronaries are clean. Calcium score is zero. Ultrasound is normal. There's a lot of good news here." Was it good news? I suppose it was on the one hand, but it wasn't the three things I really wanted. An answer, a quick fix and the chance to move on. I had shit to do, a tribe waiting and goals that were appearing to be further and further sidelined by a medical picture that made no sense at all. By that point, I was frustrated and was done being the patient. However, I did not have a choice, a stroke truly awaited if I gave up at that point and I really don't have time for that either.
In the couple weeks since that time, I have done some yoga and worked my way into a blood pressure regimen that involves four drugs totaling five pills a day, which is not doing the job totally, but keeps me out of stroke range so that I was cleared to start training again. I have had a chance reevaluate everything the end of 2020 has brought. Yes, scary high blood pressure and a bit of a forced time out, but I had missed something important with that "good news" phone call. Clean coronaries. I come from a lifetime of morbid obesity, a smoker in my 20's, yet here I sit at age 51, fit, with zero heart disease. I took a moment to think about how differently that call may have gone had I not done all I have in the last six years. Would I have raging heart disease? Would I be on the fast track to other badness associated with my selfish unhealthy ways? Surely there would have been. I could be diabetic, have breathing issues, degenerating joints.... the list is endless. I suppose my wise cardiologist had it right in the first place. There WAS a lot of good news here. None of my goals were truly sidelined as my previous pity party would suggest. I am training better now with a tribe that pulled me right back up and to this day continue to push me to be my best. The only catch is, I have to take five pills a day and stop being a dumbass about going to the doctor. I guess I can do that.
This experience has me wondering how many times we get bogged down with the immediate seemingly paralyzing crisis, drowning in a sea of bad news, and not taking the time to realize no matter what we face, there is always good news. There is the realization that this proverbial sea could always be deeper, the waters could always be rougher. However, if we look hard enough we will see our efforts are not for nothing. If we are lucky enough we will see in the middle of the struggle exists our tribe tossing out the life raft, pulling us to safety and pushing us to climb up the bank on the other side, stronger and better, and patiently waiting so we can take on the next high peak as a collective mighty force. I don't really have an answer to my medical mystery, and I have more appointments in the near future, that I will take on one at a time, but I do know that with whatever life brings, I have the opportunity to look forward and see that the best is yet to come.
No comments:
Post a Comment