As I had not really looked at the venue ahead of time, I was a little surprised at what greeted me on the course. Not snow, mud, a mountain or stadium steps. Sand. Lots and lots of sandy multicolored gravel that made up the dunes of the ATV park in Indiana. I had convinced myself this would be a midwestern “flat beast”. Surely it would be easier than the punishing 20 miles of the mountains of West Virginia we did last year. Little did I know, sand dunes are hardly flat, or small. Up and down I went, surprised at how well the titanium in my hip seemed to like the sand. The downhills were faster, and the uphills, although not solid footing, were not slippery like the mud of the Chicago Super either. I even said to my team that this was the first time in a race I could say I was past the notion of,"this is going to be hard, but the medal and sense of accomplishment will be worth it" to "I am loving being on the course.” This statement alone was so far removed from my first Beast as I screamed over and over again, "I don't got this!”
There were the cargo nets of the A frame and the vertical wall, both of which were quite loose, in fact, on the vertical wall, it was so loose that when the person ahead of me got off the obstacle, the net went slack and slipped down six inches with me on it. As scary as it was, I reveled in the fact that I was on the back side, not laying across the top of the metal frame ten feet up paralyzed with fear like I did a year ago. There were however, all new fears to face, a huge culvert to walk through with rushing water and rocks, a rushing stream to wade through, and a sandbag carry on inclines up and down in ankle deep sand.
As I was considering how far I have come as a racer earlier this week, a song came on. I swear my iPhone has some sort of uncanny timing. In the random playlist of hundreds of songs, it spewed out Rascal Flatts,"When the Sand Runs Out". I started chuckling at the irony of the sand reference, until I suddenly stopped dead in my tracks and found myself in serious contemplation. To be honest, I am not really a country music fan, but this song exists on my list as it was one my sister-in-law loved. She was my family, my friend and confidant. She fought obesity right along with me and we even had weight loss surgery a day apart 14 years ago and did our recovery together. When she died without warning 12 years ago it was like losing a part of myself. It suddenly occurs to me that this song is actually about visiting a friend's grave and the message from beyond.
...and the voice of my old friend whispered in my ear....
"I’m gonna stop looking back, and start moving on, and learn how to face my fears,
Love with all of my heart, make my mark, I wanna leave something here,
Go out on a ledge, without any net, that's what I'm gonna be about"
Suddenly, three years of conquering fears, changing from the inside out. as the song goes, has me emerging just like I did from the sand dunes on Saturday. The answer to a question I have wrestled with now clearly answered. Sticking with a known as I have for so long no longer matches who I am learning to be. It is a comfort zone that will ultimately hold me back and relying on others for the validation I can now offer myself. It is time for me to realize that in order to make the difference and leave my mark I need to bet on me and live life for all it’s worth. So here I go, set for the next phase of the best life has to offer. As I look at the finish line pictures I realize I did just as Lisa would have wanted, I was running when the sand ran out. Thank you my friend for the gentle push in the right direction and the reminder that my best is yet to come.
