This past weekend it was my turn to join two other moms, and two other friends as we took our children to The Dopey Challenge. Some moms take their kids to concerts, some of us take our kids running, or was it them taking us? Regardless, here we were. A year ago I blogged about this grand event. A 5K, a 10k, a half marathon and a full marathon in four days. It seemed like a crazy challenge to me by a good friend, and initially, a "Dopey" idea. A little research into the actual character of Dopey taught me that Dopey actually was not dumb. He was simply the youngest and had no need to speak as others spoke for him as he simply followed along the path the others laid in front of him. I decided that my job in this challenge was to continue to forge my own path apart from the one so many others expected of me years ago, and to learn to develop my own voice.
I suppose in the greater scheme of things the 5k, the 10k and the half were easy. I had done all of these distances before, and seemed to come through them just fine at the Dopey too. I had my usual running team and we took off and did our thing like we always do. Then it happened. I found myself at 5:30 in the morning in the last corral slowly inching toward the start line of the marathon. My 22 year old son and faithful sidekick at my side. The rest of our team was spread out through other corrals, so this was different too. I would find myself wrapped in mylar and suddenly break into a sweat in corral H, nerves or just a 49 year old garden variety hot flash? I couldn't be sure with my spinning mind. I was in the last corral as I had not submitted my half marathon time in preparation to start any sooner. The sixteen minute pacers for the race carrying their purple Mickey ear balloons about 30 yards behind me. The balloon ladies. Our team has more colorful names for these menacing women, who if they catch you will remove you from the course. I did what I always do in times of stress, I reiterate the plan over and over to my son,"We come out at a 12:30 pace until we hit Magic Kingdom. That's almost six miles in. We take a recovery walk there, enjoy the sites, and settle back in for another seven until we hit Animal Kingdom...."
He knew all of this. I had told him a hundred times. He gave me the patronizing smile and said,"will you just relax?" No. No I couldn't. The seeds of doubt were strong. I was doing a distance I had never done on the heels of three previous days of running totaling 22.4 miles. Nonetheless, Mickey would perform,"Don't Stop Believing" karaoke style, we'd have some brief fireworks and we were off. Watch on. Pace Checking. Playlist solid. Trusty boy by my side. As I mentally tried to settle in my son would tap me. I suddenly became aware he had been trying to get my attention.
"What?!" It came out louder and more annoyed sounding than I anticipated.
"Listen!!! Sweet Caroline." There it was. Mile one. A high school marching band. How does my son know this? Well.... one off handed comment about being a Neil Diamond fan to my mother landed him floor seats at the United Center in Chicago at the age of 16, as my mother tried to convince security this was not her grandson, rather, she was a cougar. This was her date.
We would sing loudly,"bup ba da da da...." I was ok. A push from mom and I could push the nerves away and settle into the task at hand. The rest of the course there were little things along the way that reminded me of where I came from and how it was I was here. There was the guy at mile 2. An older guy, not altogether fit looking with a shirt that said,"Why am I doing this? Because everyone said I couldn't" somehow a not so gentle reminder of my bygone days of gym class bullying.
At mile 6 we would enter the Magic Kingdom just as the sun rose over the castle reminding me there just may be a wee bit of magic left in the world. We would pass the tea cups and I was reminded of a time I previously blogged about where I sat on that very ride with my mom as she got to enjoy Disney through the eyes of her grandchildren. We won't mention that her and I were both obese at the time, my son turned the wheel faster and faster til we were all dizzy, and her extrication from said tea cups became a wee bit more entertaining than we cared to admit.
At mile 8 we would catch up to Anita. Anita is a special friend of mine. She broke her ankle in November at her first Spartan Race. She was doing this anyway. She had started several corrals before me and was walking, but she was doing it. She had found a walking partner named "Dory" who reminded us to "just keep swimming."
At mile 10 I would come up on a runner with the celtic rings that make up my logo on his shirt: body, mind and spirit, reminding me how all of these things brought me to this place doing this thing and now I have a whole shiver of sharks behind me who I have the honor of helping get to their own amazing places. Passing the halfway point at Animal Kingdom brought monkeys and roller coasters and a euphoria that wow. I just may pull this off.
Then it happened. ESPN Wide World of Sports happened. We hit that venue at mile 17. The sun was high in the sky and it was 80 degrees. My legs hurt. My back hurt. I was drenched and every single fiber of my being wanted to be done. Weaving in and out of ball fields and soccer fields. Relentless sun. I felt blisters on my feet. I was walking and running now, well the running was not pretty, but I was doing some of that. I heard the words coming during my longest walk this race yet,"I can't. I just can't" ESPN went on for 3.5 miles that seemed like 20. Make it stop. For the love of God get me out of this place. However, it was in this place we were rejoined by Anita. How did she catch us? That woman walks an astonishing 13 min mile. We were at mile 20 and it was time to take my cue from this woman. It was time to take past setbacks and cast them aside and persevere. In that moment I decided to walk the rest with her. I'd love to tell you that made it easier. I'd love to tell you my legs weren't screaming and I wasn't ready to summon an uber, but those things would be a lie. Anita and my son found themselves battling the voices usually only I can hear, but had somehow escaped out my mouth."I can't" "I just don't think I can go on" "What made me think I could do this"....... The list was endless, but they were patient reminding me over and over I could.
Just about the time I was sure my legs would not go one more step, from a speaker on the course,"Where it began, I can't begin to knowing......" Sweet Caroline. My cue that even my little mama would not let me quit from heaven. I burst into tears right there at mile 23. I was overcome by a mixture of grief and encouragement. Grief that the one person who would have given anything to be here was not, and encouraged that she found a way to root me on anyway. With the big ugly cry out of the way we would hit the boardwalk, phone ahead to our team who was a half mile ahead, and prepare for our big finish. Our team would hand us frozen margaritas and we would excitedly cross the finish 48.6 miles from where we started. Three moms, three twenty something children, and another amazing friend would link arms, shed a tear and be once again thankful to have found such an amazing tribe to conquer the impossible.
"Sweet Caroline,
Good times never seemed so good"
As I sit here looking at my six medals from the races I reflect on what it was I set out to do. Did I find my own voice on the course as I thought I would? Quite the opposite actually. With a little help from a my son and a good friend I found a silence. A silence from the loud negative voices that seem to have taken up residence in my brain for so many years. Did I forge my own path? Not really. I, instead, got to follow in step with the absolute grit and grace of someone else who did not let her own setback hold her back, to get an insurmountable task done. I also learned that no matter how much I miss talking to my mom, and how much I grieve that she is not present for my big accomplishments now, she is still here in spirit rooting me on in her proverbial maverick jeans and bic lighter, swaying side to side just like she always was. Will I do this again? oh yes. Only next time I will do it better, because as always the best is yet to come.
