The Audubon

How do I do it?  This is a question I get asked a lot.  How do I raise five kids aged 6 to 23, one of whom has her own child, work two jobs as an emergency room nurse practitioner, train for races, run a motivational health and fitness company.....?  Well, I get asked this enough that I have several prepared answers depending on who is asking.  "One foot in front of the other" for a stranger, works well.  "Like the guy spinning plates on the sticks" for others who know my propensity for multitasking a little bit better, and "pedal to the metal" for those who know I just may have a bit of intensity with the way I go through life.


Yes, that's me, pedal to the medal.  It's like those fancy German sports cars zooming on the
Audubon at breakneck speed amidst the beautiful scenery.  Balls out bad ass intensity much of the time...or so it seems to most people.  I am not alone in this lifestyle, in fact, the fitness world has even designed workout days for people like me who don't seem to slow down.  We call these "active recovery days".  It's the "lesser" workout sandwiched in between the balls out sessions we are used to.  To be fair, these are the compromise days we take when we cannot seem to take a real rest day. 

It all sounds fantastic right?  OK lets be real.  Why can't I take a real rest day?  Why don't I slow down?  The answer is not as glamorous and sexy as a joy ride down the Audubon.  The answer is fear.  Keeping the house afloat fuels long hours.  Keeping the kids sane and on track in school when they are from different countries and have different needs fuels long outside work hours.  Running the motivational company is fueled by the fear of a missed opportunity that I may be able to help someone else navigate their way out of the prison of obesity or an unhealthy lifestyle and stay stuck the way I was.  Crazy workouts fueled by a fear that magically one rest day will bring back all 85 pounds and I will be back where I started.  So, no.  This pedal to the metal is more like a car on the test track at breakneck speed headed for the wall.

The wall.  Yes, I do hit the  wall.  Routinely I hit the wall.  Fortunately, I do not resemble the crash test dummy with the yellow and black squares.  My wall instead, looks like the sudden realization I began my day six hours before my ten hour shift even began, I am finally home post shift, standing over the washer doing laundry and I am suddenly struck by the notion that I cannot do one more thing and it is time to collapse until I can go again tomorrow. 

This brings me to yesterday.  I got up in the morning after a day that resembled the one above and I found myself at Orangetheory.  My exhaustion had been pushed away, fed by my routine fear of lost gains which kept me safely from taking  a rest day as usual.  The workout was a quick run, a quick set of reps, a quick row, another quick set of reps then repeat.  The runs increased, the rows decreased.  The bottom line was I could not get my heart rate up to get a huge calorie burn.  Maybe it was the runs and rows were too short,  or I was simply tired.  I found myself increasingly frustrated and a little bit desperate to make it work and get my obligatory 12 minutes in the orange zone, until the words of a very wise friend came to mind.  "Be present."  These two words are such a struggle for a balls out multitasker like me. In order to do that,  I had to let loose of the notion this would be my usual pedal to the metal workout, fight off the fear of losing gains and just let it unfold.   I began to work on pushing away the frustration by focusing on the glow of the orange, the sloshing of the rower, the feel of the 20 pound dumbbell in my hand,  the rhythm of my own feet on the treadmill and the music.  Side note:  my  trainer has a propensity for Kanye, so "now that don't kill me can only make me stronger..." may have helped some too...  Suddenly, I was here, no place else.  I pushed the frustration and the noises of life out of the way for an hour.  When I was done, I discovered I had only burned 323 calories, I usually get over 400, with only 2 minutes over 84% of maximum.  In reviewing the stats, I realized this must be truly what was meant by active recovery.  Shutting down the intensity to revitalize the spirit of exactly what was happening in that room in that moment.  I found I was not completely exhausted, in fact, just the opposite.  I was renewed, a lot more settled, and no longer afraid of losing my gains or really anything else.   


This caused me to think a lot about my crash test pedal to the metal ways.  Maybe the answer was not push until I hit the wall, while giving off the impression I am on the Audubon, but instead pursue some personal active recovery time.  Surely there had to be something between the test road and the wall.  Today, I have chosen a comfy set of sweats I make no apologies for, an adult beverage, because it all cant be about kale, lit several fall scented candles and selected an appropriate chick flick (yes I will cop to "You've Got Mail" because a classic never dies, and besides, who doesn't enjoy the retro sounds of dial up serving as a back drop to a classic Meg Ryan/Tom Hanks romcom?).  I have tossed the to do list aside and traded crash dummy impact with the wall for active recovery of my soul, reminding me once again life is more about balance and less about speed.

Finding the Eye of the Storm

Every time I get near a TV in the last five days there is hurricane coverage.  Pictures of Irma destroying the south and areas of the Caribbean.  Home after home, shorelines destroyed, families displaced, animals lost.  I suppose you could say I have had my own hurricane these five days.  Four family members in the hospital in five days.  Two with life altering surgeries, two with life altering diagnoses.  There would be medicines and healing, grieving and trying to grasp the enormity of all of it.  Day in and day out, I have pounded with questions and concerns and tried to answer it all, as I am the token family medical provider.  I think the harder part of this role is knowing from a professional perspective what is happening.  I know the negative side of all of these situations and when family wants answers, sharing said answers is not always easy. 

Outside of this there would be other issues with those in my life who chose now to give me a run for my money on other issues, plus the routine stressors of running a household.  This was all infused into three very long work days that ended Monday morning at almost 2:00 am, followed by a short 4 hour nap before I had to be up and running to the hospital for yesterday's familial medical issues. 

Last night, after being at the hospital all day, racing in to feed kids, do homework, baths and all of the other evening responsibilities, I found myself on the couch early.  I felt my head spinning with the events of the previous days.  I was reminded again, how nice it would be to call my own mom, who was a nurse, but the reality of her death two months ago came to the forefront again.  The TV was on, but I was not totally paying attention, until I saw, once again, the footage of the storm chaser in Florida.  He stands nearly horizontal, hand in the air desperately trying to stay upright and measure the windspeed.  I decided this is how I felt.  The winds of my own storm blowing hard directly at me as I size them up and try to decide what to do with the umpteen situations I was facing at that moment.

I began to wonder what would assault me next, and what the ramifications would be.  In the meantime, I was trying to be motivational to my own clients when really the walk from the couch to bed last night seemed like climbing a mountain.  However, I did what I always suggest to them, fake it til you make it.  I gave them happy memes and motivational words, that to be quite honest I am not sure I believed myself.  I finally gave up and just went to bed.

After a full night  of rest last night for the first time in more than a week, I got up with no more answers than I had when I went to bed.  Two remaining family members were in the hospital, one going home today.  As I was organizing my day in my head,  once again the news was on, and I saw some footage of the eye of the storm.  Here stood the newscaster on a street with downed trees and damaged buildings.  However, it was eerily quiet.  No wind whipped past the microphone.  You would never know he was in the center of the image that is shown above.  It came to me in that moment, that maybe instead of being that guy above, sizing up and fighting the storms of life that are completely  out of my control, I should instead, find the center, control what I can, and let the winds of adversity not take me out in the process. 

I decided to resurrect an old quote to share with my clients. 

This began to give my day some steam.  Today, I got to choose what kind of day I had.  I suddenly remembered it was a superhero themed day at Orangetheory.  I put on my favorite Batman tank, because why choose a female cutesy superhero in a titanium bra, when you can be a badass Dark Knight?

I would get to Orangetheory and find two members of my Spartan Team along with some of the greatest workout friends I could ask for.  We would climb hills, do balls out rows, lift heavy, bust out our dance moves to our favorite tunes, cheer one another on, and most importantly laugh a lot.  

I am not sure if it was the superhero vibe, the endorphins of conquered hills and rows or the simple realization that by choosing to be present in my own life this morning, I had found the calm of the eye of the storm.  The winds still swirl around me, as most of the circumstances of the last five days I have no control over, but now I realize I do not have to try to expend all my energy to stay upright as they pummel me.  I can choose to control what I can, and find my place safely in the eye where my own peace, much like the safe haven of the Bat Cave lives and breathes.  Now, if only I could find a dapper English Manservant named Alfred and trade my Suburban in for a kickass Batmobile.  

Won't Back Down

There is a funny thing about leading a life predominantly of insecurity.  It seems to be ever present no matter what accomplishments may happen.  This week I was post Spartan Beast.  It was by far the hardest thing I have ever physically done.  I found myself checking in with my racing team several times this week while all of us said at one point or another,"did that just happen?  Did we really finish the Beast?'  There is that air of disbelief in all of us which I suppose will continue for some time.

More importantly than that though, was an emotion I was experiencing that was tough to really describe.  I was restless and a little worried for no good reason. Suddenly, I realized Beast training had been in the forefront of my mind for 8 months since the fateful New Years adult beverage laden discussion that led to my commitment to it.  Everything I did was motivated by the fear of a race I had never even considered until a year ago.  Yes, we did it.  Yes, we were going to do it again, but for now that is over.  I finally realized it was a bad case of two things.  First, what do I do now? and Second, what if I fall apart now?  What if I can't keep going?  I found I was constantly questioning myself all week terrified I would go backwards and end up where I started.  Eighty-five pounds heavier and miserable.

I decided I would focus on the next race.  I am running the Spartan Stadium Sprint with a team of newbie racers.  I am excited to cross the finish line with them and watch them experience what I did a year ago, the realization that I held the power to be healthy all along, I just had been giving it away to the negative voices around me.

As I wrestled along with this notion yesterday, the six week wellness challenge I hosted through my motivational health and fitness company came to an end.  As post after post came up on our page, I began to see all the things that my clients had achieved.  There was weight loss, inches lost, confidence built, depression defeated, goals crushed.....it was amazing.  That is until the celebration died down.  The tone changed.  There was sadness that it was over.  There was fear that being outside of the challenge they would suddenly fall off the wagon and go backwards....wait this was familiar.  This was me.

As I pondered what to do about this as their fearless leader, who was admittedly struggling as well, once again, the music spoke to me as it often does.  Being a child of the 80's, I tend to listen to this era with some regularity.  Lost in thought driving home from the store, there it was.  Tom Petty,"I Won't Back Down".  It came to me that is what our first instinct was to do.  Back down.  Enjoy a break from all the work.  We have earned it.  Maybe it's time to eat a celebratory piece of cake, or give the legs a break from running, or check out of the team chats and enjoy the quiet.  Yep, a break sounds nice....or does it?

Stopping all of those things may give a temporary rest, which is not an altogether bad thing, but also, can like a stone rolling down hill, once it gathers steam we find ourselves right back at the bottom. The celebratory day lends itself to the celebratory week as we see nothing huge and scary on the horizon.  Maybe the better thing to do is to celebrate for a moment or two and then do as Tom says,"stand my ground, and won't be turned around".

This notion propelled me to encourage my people that today was day 1.  Day one for all of us to put the old challenge away and push ahead with something new.  For some it will be training for our virtual 5K, others will work through Spartan training and still others will work on simply getting enough sleep and meeting their own needs when usually they give so much of themselves there is nothing left.  Regardless, meeting our biggest goals I am learning, as tempting as it may be is not a final resting place, rather a stepping stone to the next big thing.

As for me, with the skin on my toes healed, my hamstrings no longer screaming, and the bruises are now faded, it was time to say, what now?  Continue my Spartan Racing but do it better.  Train harder.  Train smarter.  Run faster.  I will do the Beast again, which bears an uncanny resemblance to my current musical selection, kinda like "standing up at the gates of hell." However,  I won't be turned around, nor will my team.  I will conquer the damn rope I have a love hate relationship with and most importantly, see who I can bring along for the trifecta ride, because now we know there is power in realizing there "ain't no easy way out."