Channeling the Hulk Within

When I was a kid, there, was the original Lou Ferrigno version of The Incredible Hulk.  A gigantic green guy that busted out of a much smaller and mild mannered Bruce Banner when his emotions ran high.  Tore right out of his shirt and exploded on the scene with yellow eyes an immediate threat to those around him.  For some reason, I loved this show.  The effects were terrible, it was the 70's after all, and even the make up was a little iffy.  Nonetheless, I loved it anyway.  I suppose it has something to do with my inane ability to keep all the plates spinning from a young age while letting very little escape.  Setting loose fiery unabashed emotion in this way probably fed my quiet childhood reserved psyche.

Nonetheless, I had a hard time not thinking about the beloved Hulk recently.  Two weeks ago, I ratted myself out in this very venue.  I admitted to the complacency that had set in in my own training and lifestyle, thus giving my trainer the green light to guide me in any way he felt best.  His advice?  A simple two word answer.  Get strong.  I had to really get my head around this.  He proposed I lift heavy, get fatigued, then move to cardio last when I was already spent.  He threw down a two week challenge of the complete opposite of what I have done for four years.  He must have read my mind, because my own vision of me suddenly turning green, busting out of my workout gear and lighting up the joint was a bit terrifying.  "Don't worry, you wont get huge".  With that, I put my trust in the pro. 

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear,

And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear

Take the wheel and steer

This morning, I was in my car, post two hour workout, with four miles of running on steep inclines, which came right on the heels of the heaviest deadlifts I have ever done. Most of my major muscle groups were shaking, and I was trying to cool down with a little Incubus pushing into my post gym haze.  In that moment, I had to take the time to ask myself why it was I did not do this before?  Why did I not lift any heavier, when clearly I was capable, or push to exhaustion?  I suppose I had let fear take the wheel for a long time.  My previous injury, my fear of future injury, maybe even a little intimidation by the work it would take to be strong, had kept me exactly where I was.  I put a spin on the notion of the never running on the hills, choosing instead to power walk, as an "active recovery day", or an "attempt to work different muscle groups."  There really isn't anything wrong with power walking per se, but let me give myself a reality check.  I didn't WANT to run on the hills.  I just didn't want to do it.  It was hard.  Why didn't I lift heavier?  Same.  It was hard and it hurt a little.  In four years of training was I fit? Maybe.  Strong?  No, not really.  

So, if I decided to waiver my chance,

To be one of the hive,

Will I choose water over wine,

And hold my own and drive?

So far, I have made the choice to drive.  I have embraced said two week challenge and am learning all new lessons along the way. Slow, heavy reps, focusing in on controlling every fiber of the muscle as it is pushed to its limit. As it turns out, strength training is nothing like I thought it was.  It is not just lifting heavy shit and putting it down.  It was focus, control, effort, and technique and frankly much more mental than I imagined. I have gone on to experience total body exhaustion from putting every ounce of gas I had in me right out there on the floor.  These things have given me a whole new sense of satisfaction and a release I have not experienced.  It makes me wonder how often in life we shy away from the proverbial heavy lifting because the weight of the process just seems too heavy, and the hills just too steep.  

It's driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around
But lately I am beginning to find 
That when I drive myself my light is found

Maybe the trick is to instead show up for yourself, stop letting fear take the wheel, do the heavy lifting and see what happens.  For me?  I can say I am truly getting stronger and am finding a certain degree of satisfaction in the laser like focus I now have in the tasks I tried so hard to avoid. Things that are easily translating to my day to day life.
 

Whatever tomorrow brings,

I'll be there with open arms and open eyes

Whatever tomorrow brings

I'll be there, I'll be there

I suppose you could assume then that my earlier analogy of the 1970's Hulk and building strength  was incorrect.  Strength was not a total beast like loss of control.  It was something different entirely.  It was really more Bruce Banner.  The reality is Bruce spent his life controlling the beast within to channel the strength in positive ways ultimately turning the Hulk into a hero.  In that sense, that is exactly what we need to do.  We need to use our focus, control, effort and technique in heavy lifting situations to channel the Hulk that lives inside.  So, whatever tomorrow brings, I will show up for myself, eyes open, be stronger, and know with absolute certainty the best is yet to come.

I Don’t Wanna Be

As I drove my son to school today, he was making arrangements for his car to be picked up.  The "appointment" was set for Thursday between 8 and 5.  Yes, a full nine hour window.  Just like the cable guy or any sort of service person for the house.  He then immediately became stressed with his already busy Thurs.  How was he going to pull it all off never knowing when these people will actually show up.  I kinda chuckled at him and explained this was one of the finer points in modern day "adulting."  Somehow, his disdain for it out of the gate tells me there is a whole lot more "adulting" realities he has yet to learn, much worse than waiting for a service person to show up.

After dropping him off, I had time to reflect on what came before this car ride.  It was a particularly impressive output at the gym.  I had my highest calorie burn to date in several years.  I had decided last week that my days of Dopey prep by keeping my paces low and working for endurance needed to end.  It was time to Spartan prep.  Yep, time to push.  Oh yes.  I had this all well under control.  Controlled output before a huge endurance run, beast mode for Spartan training.  This is me, exercise guru, motivating the masses, leading by example, watch me go..... had it all Gavin DeGraw style as my current musical selection would indicate.

I don't want to be anything 
Other than what I've been trying to be lately 
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind

There is only one huge flaw in that.  Did I really have peace of mind though?  I had a good discussion with my trainer today with one very pointed question.  Why?  Why did I slow down before Dopey?  Well to control the pace, go slower to go longer, seemed logical to me.  He asked if I was sure of that answer or if it was mental?  Was it fear?  Didn't I know the harder I trained the easier it was going to be outside of the gym?  I had it backwards.  I have spent the day mulling this over.  He was correct.  I was not in control, far from it.  Like the cable guy I kinda promised myself I would show up, bring the tools and get to work, yet figured out I was still waiting in the proverbial 8-5 window for months and calling it "controlled endurance training." Here's the reality.  I became complacent.   Four years in, and here I was sporting the brand of complacency that kept me unhealthy for decades.  Yes, I trained.  Yes, I ate reasonably, but did I really push, or just use Dopey as a convenient excuse to pull back as I had pulled back many other times in my life?  Every damn time I think I have me figured out and have left the bad habits behind, they appear in front of me like an unwanted house guest.  I now found myself grieving the physical gains I could have made by now if I had not done that.

I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn,

am I the only one to notice,

I can't be the only one who's learned

Identity crisis.  That is exactly it.  Four years of life changes to learn to be the best version of myself and yet its days like today when I realize I have a lot to learn, and where I came from will never be totally gone. As the song goes, I would suspect I am not the only one with this struggle.  I suppose there is a certain amount of comfort in that notion.  Finally the grief begins to subside as I cannot have those training days back. Instead, I was  left with the bright sunshine on a snowy day and the realization that I really do not have to be stuck anymore, and pushing myself physically to my limits is going to bring about whole new discoveries that will likely raise my proverbial bar even higher.  That is a truly awesome thought.  So maybe Gavin has it right.

I don't want to be anything 
Other than what I've been trying to be lately 
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind 
I'm tired of looking around rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be I don't want to be anything other than me 

So, here I sit ratting myself out to the masses, grateful to the trainer that called me out so that once again I could surpass my own line of crap and show up for myself, as I have for the last week, closing the proverbial service window I have left open for months.  Time to stop wandering and get busy being me because the best is yet to come.