Stuck In a Moment You Can't Get Out Of

I'm not afraid

Of anything in this world

There's nothing you can throw at me 

That I haven't already heard

                                                                              -  U2 "Stuck In a Moment You Can't Get Out of"

Well, as of a few months ago, it became official.  My oldest son is an adult.  He landed a full time job at News 10, our local ABC affiliate, writing the news.  This made this nervous mama thrilled, as ever since the day he announced he was changing his major to English, with no desire to go into teaching, I had serious concerns over what he would do with said degree.  Then he discovered journalism.  His love of writing has landed him an amazing first job.  As part of his job, he often has to man the tip line at the station, and I love having deep conversation with him about what people call the news for.  My emergency medicine background means he is rarely able to surprise me with what people put out there.  That is, until this week.  He told me about a dog who was found by a UPS driver chained outside.  She had a large tumor on her left shoulder and had literally chewed her own front paw off.  Doctors had found bones in her belly proving this was the case.  They had felt she did this to escape the pain of the tumor they were certain was cancerous.

I'm just trying to find

A decent melody

A song that I can sing

In my own company

Cancer.  That right there is such an ugly word.  One of my best friends was handed this ugly diagnosis in the last couple of weeks.  Those of us in his circle are trying to make sense of it all and be "OK" with it.  The fact is, it has pushed all of us to consider our place in this life and how things can absolutely turn on a dime.  

I never thought you were a fool

But darling look at you

You gotta stand up straight

Carry your own weight

These tears are going nowhere baby

For me personally, it came down to owning my own shit.  I had to rat myself out that my training was lack luster.  Five years into my fitness journey, exercise had become a box that I checked off.  It honestly was more routine than challenge.   I was doing enough to be equipped to race, sure, but I looked at my race times as well as previous recorded challenges at my gym and realized I had not gotten any faster.  I was lifting heavier for sure, but weights are something I like. I had stalled out in the things that were harder for me, like running.  I had lost the focus of it all and just checked the box.  I took more rest days than I cared to admit with a million reasons why.....  I work 12 hour shifts, I'm on the road and the equipment sucks, I am not a morning person, so early workouts suck,  working out only at home is fine.  It's still 3-4 days a week.  Yeah, no.  This was all an ever snowballing pile of bullshit and I knew it.  My drive of the early days had faded, and the excuses as much a part of me as one of my legs.

In was unconscious , half asleep

The water is warm 'til you discover how deep

You've got to get yourself together

You've got stuck in a moment

And you can't get out of it

I was stuck.  Just like the chained up dog with the ever snowballing tumor.  Wading in the comfort of the warm water, not recognizing I was drowning.  With my 50th birthday approaching, and my friend diagnosed with cancer it was time.  I ratted myself out to my accountability partner and recommitted to what I started out to do, to become the best version of myself.  We are now 24 days into the month, ten days past my 50th, and I have worked out 22 times.  Many of those times I went from a one hour OrangeTheory class to the regular gym to wean up using the stepper, as I have a mountain race on the horizon.  I have shown up for myself and pushed the limits of what I can do.  I learned some important things along the way.  I learned  I really can get up at 5:30 and go to the gym and still work a 12 hour day without something awful happening.  It just takes a round of coffee and angry music to get there in the morning and relinquishing my night owl ways.  I learned I can run faster, I just have to run faster, and today? Today, I fearfully allowed my accountability partner to dictate my work out.  That way I was sure to be out of my comfort zone.  So, 45 mins on the stepper after a full hour at OrangeTheory it was.  It sucked but when I got it done, I felt like I could do anything.  A feeling that has faded a bit in recent months.  As it turns out, the simple act of showing up for myself has brought my mojo back.

It's just a moment

This time will pass

I have a hard time not being a little uptight about lost time, but the reality is our own complacency sets in slowly like that slow growing tumor on the now famous German shepherd until one day you find your ever expanding excuse laden comfort zone is not a truly useful appendage, but a big ugly tumor that clearly needs to go.  Maybe the trick is to recognize when we are stuck in the moment and ruthlessly cut off those things that cause us pain and stunt our progress, be it toxic people, bullshit excuses or other perceived obstacles.  Only then will we truly find a new direction.  I saw the dog on the news again today.  She has had the tumor removed, which ended up being benign, and proudly prances around on three legs with a whole new spirit, not seeming to miss her fourth leg at all.  She is off to her forever home where I have no doubt, like me, she will see the best is yet to come.

https://www.news10.com/news/ny-news/vet-dog-likely-chewed-off-leg-to-escape-chain-owner-arrested/

Big Wheels Keep Turning

You know, every now and then

I think you might like to hear something from us

Nice and easy but there's just one thing

You see, we never ever do nothing nice and easy

-Tina Turner

Last night I found myself sitting around a table with 12 members of my Team 1DOS Sharks Fenway Spartan Sprint team.  Ah... Fenway.  Such an iconic race for me.  It was my first four years ago, fresh off an 85 pound weight loss, with no race experience whatsoever.  It would be the scene of my first, not last, ugly finish line cry.  Since that time, I have taken teams to 12 other Spartan Races and now I had once again brought a team of 5 newbies, and six more seasoned racers to Fenway. At the post race dinner, we would sit around, medals clanging, sharing adult beverages and excitedly trading war stories from the course.  The newbies had a level of excitement I have come to expect at these things.  One newbie, after conquering her absolute fear of heights  (yes, she may in fact be my sister by another mother) was heard to say,"What a feeling!  I can't wait to do it again!" Another newbie, was more quietly telling me it was going to take her some time to process what she achieved, as she has come so far in recent years.  She was simply overcome.  This is a quiet sentiment I have come to love as well.  All of this was all made more special to me by the serving of a butterscotch bread pudding, complete with candle as I was reminded that this is the week I turn 50.  It seems like such a big number, and me being me, had to take the time to see what else was turning 50.  As it turns out, not only is my mother's iconic song,"Sweet Caroline" 50, so is "Proud Mary".  To be all technical about it, really it's the CCR version that is 50, but Tina is more my jam.  When I stop to think about the fifth decade of my life, there were so many things that yes were nice, but certainly not all that easy.

Left a good job in the city

Working for the man every night and day

And I never lost one minute of sleeping

Worrying 'bout the way that things might have been

At forty, I found myself leaving the comfort of my ten year career as a nurse practitioner in neurosurgery.  For eight years, I had my trusted mentor.  We worked very well together.  We had a system and hit our groove with brain tumors and spine surgery every day.  It was comfortable, and it worked.  However, as I hit 40, we had moved to another state, the trauma group I joined had a brutal call schedule, put me in the OR assisting with traumatic brain surgeries in the wee hours, and a work life that no longer fell in line with home life.  I suddenly had to worry about a whole career move, and the switch to the ER proved to be a steep learning curve.

Cleaned a lot of plates in Memphis

I pumped a lot of tane down in New Orleans

But I never saw the good side of the city

Until I hitched a ride on the riverboat queen

As I hit 45, we moved again, only by this time, I was comfortable in my emergency provider role, but would have the sudden realization I had placed myself in a box.  Years of trauma parenting had taken a toll, I was obese, as until that point, food had been my lifelong coping mechanism.  In a defining moment, I would suddenly realize what role my obesity played for all of those around me, and my part in keeping that role alive.  It was fear of relationships changing, and learning to become the one thing I said I wanted to be, but in reality was terrified to become, thin.  Nonetheless, it was time to fight the fear and get to work.  The work was hard and the progress was certainly not a straight line to the top.  I had a hip fracture that derailed my training for a bit, and two years ago suddenly lost my mom.  Yet, despite it all, I held on for the ride that has now taken me within days of turning 50.  Holding on for that not exactly smooth trek over the last five years has given me things I never thought I could have. I am fit and healthy, an avid racer with 14 Spartans, 4 half marathons and one full marathon behind me, telling me that I am way more capable than I ever gave myself credit for.  Yes, my relationships changed, but gaining of 366 motivational clients and a foundation to help others achieve their own best versions of themselves has been fulfilling in ways I cannot even describe.

If you come down to the river

I bet you gonna find some people who live

And you don't have to worry if you got no money

People on the river are happy to give

As I looked around the table last night, it occurred to me that every single person at that table came from a different place, now digging into their own hard work and grabbing hold of their own riverboat queens.  Each of them have had their own demons that kept them in their proverbial job in the city for decades never dreaming that they could be in this place.  There were several, like me, that suffered lifelong obesity, another who had been caught in the opioid spiral for years better known as "pain management", now free and scaling walls instead. There were still others at that table, I would venture to say, fight battles we know nothing about, yet freely share their success, encouragement and experience as a way to pay it forward to the next person stuck in their own box.

Big wheel keep on turning

Proud Mary keep on burning

And we're rolling and we're rolling

And we're rolling on the river

Tell me one more time

Rolling, rolling, rolling on the river

One thing is for sure, not a single person at that table got there by staying in their previously determined comfort zone.  They got there by busting out of their own box, fighting the fear of the unknown, putting in some hard work and grabbing hold of this thing we call life and absolutely giving it hell.  As the rousing chorus of,"Happy Birthday" rounded out it was time for me to blow out the candle.  Yes.  I made a wish.  I wished that big wheel better known as the next 5 years,  will continue to turn the way it has in the last and Proud Mary will keep me rolling right on down the beautiful river as right now the view is fantastic.  If the last five years is any indication of the next, I know that the best is yet to come.