So, anymore, I try to be smarter and leave irrational fears behind. I power walk a couple days a week at Orangetheory, walking away with a pure cardio workout as opposed to the high intensity after burn I usually want. However, as great at this is, I have a race. A big hairy race that is terrifying. In August, I will take on the Spartan Beast with my team. A 12-14 mile obstacle race up the side of the Appalachian Mountains of West Virginia. Somehow, even my best current training efforts leave me a bit shaken on the inside when it comes to staring this one down.
On Sunday, I decided to up the endurance training in preparation. After a 90 minute Orangetheory, I hit the bike trail for the first time ever since moving to upstate New York. I have run here many times, just never biked. What I found on that trail was unexpected. First, I learned in my world, biking music and running music are two different things. When I run, I find classic heavy metal to be the thing. Guns 'N Roses, Aerosmith, AC/DC.... just to name a few. I suppose it is my love hate relationship with training runs that push me to simply loud and angry tunes to keep moving. It also helps drown out that little voice inside so well honed by my previous obese self that starts screaming at me to quit by the time I hit the first quarter mile.
Biking is different. There is the wind blowing hard rippling my shirt as I go, there is the sun, and in my case the views of the Mowhawk River along the way. A whole different vibe. There is not the huff and puff associated with running or the pounding of the pavement, just a smooth ride with the quiet clicking of the gears. While I was riding this maiden voyage,"Wake Me Up" by Avicii blasted through my wireless headphones. Yep the perfect vibe. It was funky and upbeat and paired nicely with the warm sun and scenic views. As I pedaled through I realized I have listened to this song so many times without really listening to the lyrics. Not this time. "All this time I was finding myself and I never knew I was lost." It made me think about all the years I thought I had it all together. I was raising kids. I was a successful nurse practitioner. I had friends. As the song played on,"I was carrying the weight of the world but I only had two hands." I realized I had relied on that very phrase for a long time as I filled up my time with everything else and not carrying the weight of my own struggles.
As the song played on,"wake me up when its all over, when I'm wiser and I'm older." In this moment, somewhere lost on mile six, I began to realize just how lost I really was for so long. I began to wonder how often we wrap ourselves up in other things, work, kids, family, to avoid waking up to who we actually are and more importantly what greatness really lives inside of us. In a sense, it makes me sad thinking about lost time, the years of throwing myself into everything but my own health. The fad diets and quick fixes I would try just to put a bandaid on an otherwise gaping hemorrhaging wound, always ending up in the same old place. Asleep.
In another sense, I found myself so excited to no longer be sleeping through life obese and unhappy. Sifting through all of this I would look at my statistics later to find that was almost my fastest mile. Balancing the grief and the excitement of what is yet to be, proved to push me just a little bit further. As I tried to figure it all out, a sudden mess of emotion, the next song would come on,"Don't Stop Believing" by Journey (I am a child of the 80's, don't judge). I suddenly would relax and realize I don't have to have the answers or have it all straightened out in my mind. I just need to keep moving ahead believing once again, the best is yet to come. I would finish on the top of a ridge overlooking the river and almost feel disappointed the ride was over. Twelve miles suddenly was not enough.
Tomorrow I will go out and cross train biking again. I am excited to see what the trail has to offer my psyche this time. Perhaps the music will tell....
