As I watch them scamper around, the thing that is now dawning on me about the crab is their eyes face forward but they walk sideways. I began to wonder how that worked. As referenced in an earlier blog, I am inherently clumsy despite successfully scaling ten foot walls, crawling under barbed wire and jumping fire at the Spartan races. Clearly, however, I realize that if I had to walk sideways but could only look forward I would likely end up back at the orthopedist's office with yet another injury.
As I thought about it, though, it dawned on me maybe I had already done this. Placing my vision clearly on a goal, but moving side to side instead of forward. Moving toward the things that kept me trapped in the prison of obesity as I desperately shuffled side to side instead of just forward. After all, I was not a crab. I had the ability to move forward. I just spent a lot of years not really knowing I did.
In that moment of realization, as often happens, the perfect song came on. "Living in the Moment" by Jason Mraz. "If this life is one act, why do we lay all these traps, we put them right in our path, when we just want to be free". This was the perfect backdrop to watching the crabs duck into their holes not to be seen as I thought about how many times I disappeared in my own hole. That hole that consisted of a comfortable couch in my basement, wrapped in a cozy blanket, eating salty snacks and calling it "relaxation" or "unwinding" as so many of us do. Later, I would come to learn this is neither of those things. It is instead, the hole I allowed myself to be captive to missing out on some of the greatest things life had to offer.
Later today I would go back to the same beach with my little people in tow. The crab tracks that covered the whole beach at sunrise were gone. The crabs were gone except for the abandoned pinchers my six year old found. The holes were covered over. There was no sign of the early morning activity. Yet, it was the height of the day. It was a blue sky, bright sunshine and crashing waves. This was the thing postcards were made of. I taught my little guys how to boogie board today, something I never would have done three years ago. The self consciousness of the bathing suit. The absolute belief in my inability to conquer physical things. All of it. I likely would have sat idly by as they built their sandcastles, sipping my tea and missed it all. Instead, I had emerged from that crab hole with the ability to move forward and not lateral riding after wave. I hear the kids absolutely squeal as they finally get the timing right and ride the perfect wave all the way to the shore. This was a moment I would have been sorry to miss for them and me. As this occurs to me, I hear the song again, "I'm letting go of the thoughts that do not make me strong and I believe this way can be the same for everyone". If after 45 years of obesity I can boogie board with my babies in a bikini surely anyone can. It just takes "peace in my mind, peace in my soul, wherever you're going, you're already home, you're living in the moment."
