Closer to Fine

Several days ago, I found myself headed west on I88 in central New York through the hills that just seem to pop up out of nowhere.  My mind was wandering a bit as the sun began to peek through the clouds creating a great setting for some deep thinking.  I was headed into my new job I am just starting to settle into, while shaking off my old job that I finished a few days prior.  December.  This was transition month for me, two full time jobs for a total of 205 hours.  The last few weeks have been challenging to say the very least.  Aside from work demands, I had school issues to deal with, a pivotal launch for my foundation, a huge race to continue to train for, not to mention my role of resident Santa that could not go unfulfilled.  In a lot of ways, I felt like a hamster on a wheel that just never seemed to slow down.  As I was trying to reconcile the events of the month in my mind, my phone would ring, as an old friend called to do the customary post holiday check in.  How was I holding up?  What came out of my mouth surprised even me.  "Actually... I am fine."  It occurred to me in that moment, "fine" was not a word I had used in a long time to describe myself.  A whole host of other adjectives had taken its place.  There was,"sleep deprived", "stressed", "pissed off" and "downright exhausted."  I had to really think about that word...."fine".  As my brain often does, I quickly jumped to an 80's musical reference and found myself searching my eclectic playlist for the Indigo Girls, "Closer to Fine".  I have probably listened to this song a thousand times, but suddenly I found myself listening with all new ears.

"I'm tryin' to tell you somethin' 'bout my life,

Maybe give me insight between black and white"

It occurs to me that I have, in fact, lived my life with the black and white  mentality.  I suppose you could say it served me well in some regards.  Left to my own devices to pay for college at the age of 19, not finishing my undergraduate degree was not an option.  Working nights in an ER as a nursing assistant and taking student loans from anyone who would give them to me was the road.  Not having children was not an option when the blows of infertility came, so trekking the adoption road through international rules was the way.  Not having a masters degree to be a nurse practitioner was not an option, so it was working nights as a nurse in a suburban Chicago ER with a 3 year old and 1 year old at home with school during the day was the route I took.  An unwavering pursuit of goals with the understanding that my very definition and happiness lived on the other side of achievement, making any difficult path worth the effort.

"and I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains,

I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains"

Thing after thing I chased. Degrees, a ten year successful career in neurosurgery, an 8 year career in emergency medicine, five adoptions, multiple attempts at weight loss using every method modern science had to offer, all the while convincing myself with absolute certainty of what lived on the other side of these pursuits.

"Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable,

and lightness has a call that's hard to hear,

I wrap my fear around me like a blanket,

I sailed my ship of safety til I sank it"

What I found in the midst of said pursuits was me wrapped in a blanket watching TV night after night doing what I did best, hand to mouth, crunch, repeat, sinking deeper into the darkness waiting for the magical thing that was supposed to happen when I hit my next goal missing the very moments right in front of me.  

"There's more than one answer to these questions,

Pointing me in a crooked  line,

and the less I seek my source for some definitive,

The closer I am to fine"

Maybe this was it.  Maybe the magic was not in the black and white achieving versus not achieving of a goal, rather the embracing of the gray that is the journey.  The journey that is fluid and teaches us so many things along the way.  It is the surrounding ourselves with like minded people who help us take our lives less seriously and to truly see that it really only is life after all.  Maybe the trick is to learn to stop defining ourselves by the goals we set and learn to be as close to fine as we can be along the way.  

This year I have many goals in front of me.  I have physical challenges like the Dopey Challenge, 48 miles of running through Disney in four days with 6 of my closest friends, along with my third Spartan trifecta.  I have corporate goals such as a multitude of fund raising events to be able to sponsor others to get healthy, I even have personal goals like debt reduction and budgeting.  Maybe now would be a good time to challenge myself to be a whole lot closer to fine along the way than I have been before.  So, 2019, show me your best, and I promise to slow down and enjoy the ride.