Every time I look at you, I go blind
In the morning I get up, and I try to
feel alive, but I can't
-Hootie and the Blowfish
In the days that preceded the event, I would find myself still a bit angry over not finishing in Chicago. My mind would become a twisted tangle of worry over several things. There was everything from Mother Nature winning again with the weather, to conquering this distance again, as 9 miles on a Spartan course was a bit different than 9 on the road, and this course had the colorful nickname,"The Ankle Breaker", to the whole facing the obstacles I struggle with, again. All of these things led to me having serious doubt about truly doing this whole race over again. There was the damn slip wall. One of my main nemeses when it came to OCR racing. I faced this for the first time two years ago at The Beast in West Virginia. Fifteen feet up a 45 degree angled wall, with a rope about 7 feet up to "help". Yeah, well as helpful as it supposedly is, it was always just out of reach for me. The wall was often wet or muddy, if I am being truly honest, my faith that I could truly run up the damn thing enough to reach the rope was pretty low. So, in the past I would try to run up the incline and grab hold of the damn rope. I would miss and fail. Race after race. So, gee, hopefully that would be there yet another time. Dare I dream.... This repeating a race I was so close to finishing two months prior suddenly was this obnoxious albatross I was not totally excited about.
Nonetheless, I would put on a smile for my team, as I had made a promise, and take off for Boston. We would arrive at the usual Spartan festivities. The upbeat music, racers with medals who were rinsing off, racers like us waiting our turn to get our numbers inked on our arms, shaking out the nerves and drinking the final cups of water. There was the traditional start line,”Who are we?” “We are Spartans!!” Three loud “AROO”s and it was time to take off. Up and down the rocky hills of the ATV park on a sunny day. It wasn't all that bad, the company was good, and well, at least I didn't see any lightning.
Then we saw it about 6 miles in. The slip wall. Well at least it was not muddy. Then again it wasn’t muddy the first time I saw it in WV either and I still couldn't do it. Switching into Mama Shark mode, I would put my fears on hold and cheer my teammates on, as one by one they ran at full speed and grabbed the rope, up and over. To be honest, yes I was cheering them on, but more accurate was I was procrastinating for what I knew would be my own failure. Watching each one nail the obstacle I thought great. I was going to be the only one here who couldn't do it. Why did they make this look so easy, when it seemed so hard for me? I found the,"I can't" that I thought was only in my head suddenly audible Not only that, my teammate heard. Great. Failing as a motivator too.
Trying to shine a little light my way, I would hear my teammate say “No! Your shoes will totally grip this.” Really? Cleated obstacle shoes on a smooth wall? Seems legit. Not. Lost in the sea of negativity between my two ears I would suddenly realize my teammate ahead of me had paused at the top of the wall and was yelling to me. She threw me the rope. "You got this!" She was not going down until I gave a shot. Afraid of disappointing my team, I found myself running straight at the thing I was so afraid of. The thing I failed so many times before, only this time I had it. I reached down part way up and actually gripped the rope my teammate threw to me, stood up and walked to the top as my team cheered me on. As I got over the wall I paused at the top to yell to my son,”Did you see that?! Oh my God I did it.!”
He did what he always does. Smiled and said he saw with a simple,”Good job Mom”. Later I would learn he got it all on GoPro complete with my cheerful well placed F bomb the moment I realized the rope was actually in my hand for the first time in 12 races.
We would go on to finish the race. For me it was a total of 16 miles on a super course this year, 7 in Chicago and 9 in Boston to finally earn this medal. A hard fought battle for sure. Looking back at the slip wall, I am reminded of the person who threw me the rope and knew with 100% certainty I would join her at the top, no matter what it was my brain had to say. There was the other teammate trying to shine their own light my way when it all seemed so hard. How many times in life are we blind to those in our lives who are always willing to toss us a much needed rope and have faith in our ability to grab on. How many times are we blind to those who stand directly in front of us who have the ability to shine enough light our way, that our own fire is lit to blaze a path to much greater things?
Nonetheless, I would put on a smile for my team, as I had made a promise, and take off for Boston. We would arrive at the usual Spartan festivities. The upbeat music, racers with medals who were rinsing off, racers like us waiting our turn to get our numbers inked on our arms, shaking out the nerves and drinking the final cups of water. There was the traditional start line,”Who are we?” “We are Spartans!!” Three loud “AROO”s and it was time to take off. Up and down the rocky hills of the ATV park on a sunny day. It wasn't all that bad, the company was good, and well, at least I didn't see any lightning.
I don't know what it is
Something in me just won't give me a chance
Then we saw it about 6 miles in. The slip wall. Well at least it was not muddy. Then again it wasn’t muddy the first time I saw it in WV either and I still couldn't do it. Switching into Mama Shark mode, I would put my fears on hold and cheer my teammates on, as one by one they ran at full speed and grabbed the rope, up and over. To be honest, yes I was cheering them on, but more accurate was I was procrastinating for what I knew would be my own failure. Watching each one nail the obstacle I thought great. I was going to be the only one here who couldn't do it. Why did they make this look so easy, when it seemed so hard for me? I found the,"I can't" that I thought was only in my head suddenly audible Not only that, my teammate heard. Great. Failing as a motivator too.
Little child, did you know that there's a light,
And its gonna shine right through your eyes
Trying to shine a little light my way, I would hear my teammate say “No! Your shoes will totally grip this.” Really? Cleated obstacle shoes on a smooth wall? Seems legit. Not. Lost in the sea of negativity between my two ears I would suddenly realize my teammate ahead of me had paused at the top of the wall and was yelling to me. She threw me the rope. "You got this!" She was not going down until I gave a shot. Afraid of disappointing my team, I found myself running straight at the thing I was so afraid of. The thing I failed so many times before, only this time I had it. I reached down part way up and actually gripped the rope my teammate threw to me, stood up and walked to the top as my team cheered me on. As I got over the wall I paused at the top to yell to my son,”Did you see that?! Oh my God I did it.!”
He did what he always does. Smiled and said he saw with a simple,”Good job Mom”. Later I would learn he got it all on GoPro complete with my cheerful well placed F bomb the moment I realized the rope was actually in my hand for the first time in 12 races.
Well some where over there there's a purpose
There's a care for free
We would go on to finish the race. For me it was a total of 16 miles on a super course this year, 7 in Chicago and 9 in Boston to finally earn this medal. A hard fought battle for sure. Looking back at the slip wall, I am reminded of the person who threw me the rope and knew with 100% certainty I would join her at the top, no matter what it was my brain had to say. There was the other teammate trying to shine their own light my way when it all seemed so hard. How many times in life are we blind to those in our lives who are always willing to toss us a much needed rope and have faith in our ability to grab on. How many times are we blind to those who stand directly in front of us who have the ability to shine enough light our way, that our own fire is lit to blaze a path to much greater things?
Hold me, hold me 'cause I want to get higher and higher,
Higher than life
Maybe the trick is to swallow the fear, run full speed at the things we doubt the most, and allow the rope throwers and fire starters to remove our own blindness due to past failure, and start to believe no matter what came first, we all have the ability to scale the proverbial impossible walls of life with a boldness we never dreamed of before. Only then will we see what is truly possible and absolutely know the best is yet to come.
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