Failure

It would seem entitling the opening blog post "failure" would somehow be counter productive as a motivator for those who struggle like I do and have most of my life with the topic of obesity. However, there is a method to this madness. I decided to start blogging again as suddenly I find people who I have known throughout all walks of my life reaching out to me through the magic of social media. The reality is over the last two years I have lost about 77 pounds and learned how to be fit and healthy. People reach out to me asking for help to get their journey started. I get questions on what is the single secret answer to a lifelong battle of obesity?

Obesity. Such an ugly word. A scientific word based on graphs and charts. A medically billable code. In my world yes, as a nurse practitioner I too use that word in a clinical sense, but in a secular sense it means two things. Lots of bulges and shopping trip straight to the plus size section, or as my mother affectionately referred to it, a trip to Omar the tent maker.  Any way you slice it, large draping clothes or bulky sweaters to hide it all. Yes. An ugly word obesity. I have been just that since I was in grammar school.

This leads to the notion of failure. "You are an inspiration" "I wish I could do it" "I could not do what you do". These are all things I now seem to hear a lot. Odd phrases for me to hear when really I have 3.5 decades of failure. There were the early days of Weight Watchers where my mom and I were busy making our own ketchup, choking back the required liver meal once a week and eating more cod than I can handle. I was 13. To this day I cannot eat cod. Then there was the leader of our meetings who would stand and cry as she weekly referred to herself as the "fat sister". I must admit, the fifth or sixth time around it unfortunately became comical and snickering with my also obese mother was probably not the most helpful weight loss tool. There was the Mayo Clinic Diet which involved eating a certain amount of hot dogs.  I am thinking that paper that had been copied over and over and circulated the office my mom worked at was probably not authentic Mayo Clinic. There was the rice diet, the cabbage soup diet, another round of Weight Watchers all before I left for college. In college it was the "Oprah Diet" better known as Optifast where I spent an entire summer drinking my meals of protein shakes. The thing they do not tell you about is at some point you need to eat again. There was Jenny Craig where my counselor, who was barely out of her teens,  tearfully told me about her battle with 15 pounds. Wow. Narrowly escaped that one didn't you? Then there is Richard. Richard Simmons. Taught me to sweat to the oldies and deal a meal. Further attempts at Weight Watchers, Atkins and have made several trips to South Beach. There was the fen fen, which I think of fondly with my leaking mitral valve that requires antibiotics every time I go to the dentist. Finally 12 years ago this week there was the weight loss surgery. I had a lot of success with weight loss there. So much so I became the face of weight loss surgery at that facility and made a commercial. My 15 minutes of fame. I never gained all the weight back with that, had lost 110 pounds. However I did gain some and never was fit. I exercised some but not like now.

So, the reality is I have 3.5 decades of failure after failure. I have no magic answer to the "what's your secret?" Three and a half decades of failure casts the doubt of success so loud that really it is hard to hear anything else some days even now. Those are the days you realize past failure is just that. Past. Looking for today's success even if it is just walking 30 seconds more or skipping dessert is today's triumph. Second realizing the failure is part of my fat girl heart and shaped who I am today and it is not fatal, and can sometimes be used as a valuable tool,  so embrace it and use it to move on a day at a time.