More importantly than that though, was an emotion I was experiencing that was tough to really describe. I was restless and a little worried for no good reason. Suddenly, I realized Beast training had been in the forefront of my mind for 8 months since the fateful New Years adult beverage laden discussion that led to my commitment to it. Everything I did was motivated by the fear of a race I had never even considered until a year ago. Yes, we did it. Yes, we were going to do it again, but for now that is over. I finally realized it was a bad case of two things. First, what do I do now? and Second, what if I fall apart now? What if I can't keep going? I found I was constantly questioning myself all week terrified I would go backwards and end up where I started. Eighty-five pounds heavier and miserable.
I decided I would focus on the next race. I am running the Spartan Stadium Sprint with a team of newbie racers. I am excited to cross the finish line with them and watch them experience what I did a year ago, the realization that I held the power to be healthy all along, I just had been giving it away to the negative voices around me.
As I wrestled along with this notion yesterday, the six week wellness challenge I hosted through my motivational health and fitness company came to an end. As post after post came up on our page, I began to see all the things that my clients had achieved. There was weight loss, inches lost, confidence built, depression defeated, goals crushed.....it was amazing. That is until the celebration died down. The tone changed. There was sadness that it was over. There was fear that being outside of the challenge they would suddenly fall off the wagon and go backwards....wait this was familiar. This was me.
As I pondered what to do about this as their fearless leader, who was admittedly struggling as well, once again, the music spoke to me as it often does. Being a child of the 80's, I tend to listen to this era with some regularity. Lost in thought driving home from the store, there it was. Tom Petty,"I Won't Back Down". It came to me that is what our first instinct was to do. Back down. Enjoy a break from all the work. We have earned it. Maybe it's time to eat a celebratory piece of cake, or give the legs a break from running, or check out of the team chats and enjoy the quiet. Yep, a break sounds nice....or does it?
Stopping all of those things may give a temporary rest, which is not an altogether bad thing, but also, can like a stone rolling down hill, once it gathers steam we find ourselves right back at the bottom. The celebratory day lends itself to the celebratory week as we see nothing huge and scary on the horizon. Maybe the better thing to do is to celebrate for a moment or two and then do as Tom says,"stand my ground, and won't be turned around".
This notion propelled me to encourage my people that today was day 1. Day one for all of us to put the old challenge away and push ahead with something new. For some it will be training for our virtual 5K, others will work through Spartan training and still others will work on simply getting enough sleep and meeting their own needs when usually they give so much of themselves there is nothing left. Regardless, meeting our biggest goals I am learning, as tempting as it may be is not a final resting place, rather a stepping stone to the next big thing.
As for me, with the skin on my toes healed, my hamstrings no longer screaming, and the bruises are now faded, it was time to say, what now? Continue my Spartan Racing but do it better. Train harder. Train smarter. Run faster. I will do the Beast again, which bears an uncanny resemblance to my current musical selection, kinda like "standing up at the gates of hell." However, I won't be turned around, nor will my team. I will conquer the damn rope I have a love hate relationship with and most importantly, see who I can bring along for the trifecta ride, because now we know there is power in realizing there "ain't no easy way out."
