Finding the Eye of the Storm

Every time I get near a TV in the last five days there is hurricane coverage.  Pictures of Irma destroying the south and areas of the Caribbean.  Home after home, shorelines destroyed, families displaced, animals lost.  I suppose you could say I have had my own hurricane these five days.  Four family members in the hospital in five days.  Two with life altering surgeries, two with life altering diagnoses.  There would be medicines and healing, grieving and trying to grasp the enormity of all of it.  Day in and day out, I have pounded with questions and concerns and tried to answer it all, as I am the token family medical provider.  I think the harder part of this role is knowing from a professional perspective what is happening.  I know the negative side of all of these situations and when family wants answers, sharing said answers is not always easy. 

Outside of this there would be other issues with those in my life who chose now to give me a run for my money on other issues, plus the routine stressors of running a household.  This was all infused into three very long work days that ended Monday morning at almost 2:00 am, followed by a short 4 hour nap before I had to be up and running to the hospital for yesterday's familial medical issues. 

Last night, after being at the hospital all day, racing in to feed kids, do homework, baths and all of the other evening responsibilities, I found myself on the couch early.  I felt my head spinning with the events of the previous days.  I was reminded again, how nice it would be to call my own mom, who was a nurse, but the reality of her death two months ago came to the forefront again.  The TV was on, but I was not totally paying attention, until I saw, once again, the footage of the storm chaser in Florida.  He stands nearly horizontal, hand in the air desperately trying to stay upright and measure the windspeed.  I decided this is how I felt.  The winds of my own storm blowing hard directly at me as I size them up and try to decide what to do with the umpteen situations I was facing at that moment.

I began to wonder what would assault me next, and what the ramifications would be.  In the meantime, I was trying to be motivational to my own clients when really the walk from the couch to bed last night seemed like climbing a mountain.  However, I did what I always suggest to them, fake it til you make it.  I gave them happy memes and motivational words, that to be quite honest I am not sure I believed myself.  I finally gave up and just went to bed.

After a full night  of rest last night for the first time in more than a week, I got up with no more answers than I had when I went to bed.  Two remaining family members were in the hospital, one going home today.  As I was organizing my day in my head,  once again the news was on, and I saw some footage of the eye of the storm.  Here stood the newscaster on a street with downed trees and damaged buildings.  However, it was eerily quiet.  No wind whipped past the microphone.  You would never know he was in the center of the image that is shown above.  It came to me in that moment, that maybe instead of being that guy above, sizing up and fighting the storms of life that are completely  out of my control, I should instead, find the center, control what I can, and let the winds of adversity not take me out in the process. 

I decided to resurrect an old quote to share with my clients. 

This began to give my day some steam.  Today, I got to choose what kind of day I had.  I suddenly remembered it was a superhero themed day at Orangetheory.  I put on my favorite Batman tank, because why choose a female cutesy superhero in a titanium bra, when you can be a badass Dark Knight?

I would get to Orangetheory and find two members of my Spartan Team along with some of the greatest workout friends I could ask for.  We would climb hills, do balls out rows, lift heavy, bust out our dance moves to our favorite tunes, cheer one another on, and most importantly laugh a lot.  

I am not sure if it was the superhero vibe, the endorphins of conquered hills and rows or the simple realization that by choosing to be present in my own life this morning, I had found the calm of the eye of the storm.  The winds still swirl around me, as most of the circumstances of the last five days I have no control over, but now I realize I do not have to try to expend all my energy to stay upright as they pummel me.  I can choose to control what I can, and find my place safely in the eye where my own peace, much like the safe haven of the Bat Cave lives and breathes.  Now, if only I could find a dapper English Manservant named Alfred and trade my Suburban in for a kickass Batmobile.