Reluctantly Embracing the Chemistry

Trunkal obesity, Apple shaped, big gut, chicken legs.....yep all phrases that seem to describe the basic body archetype I fall into as do many members of my family. Now that last one is really more a relative term. Legs appear chicken like relative to the larger mid section. Regardless, this is me. Call it what you will. Over the years this particular shape began to take focus in the medical community. What did it mean?  Well, I think the most mainstream definition in females is something called "metabolic syndrome", or in some cases, like mine, "polycystic ovarian syndrome". Big fancy words that mean basically the body makes insulin, the tissues are just resistant to using it properly. Translation?  Anything that raises blood sugar like sweets and carbohydrates like bread make me fat.

Now this is not something I knew all along. In my obese laiden childhood I was simply fat because my family was for the most part overweight. Genetics. There are a laundry list of things that lead to obesity. Genetics, thyroid issues, medications.....the list is actually quite long. For me it meant two things. The first was long periods of resignation to this. I have this. I will be fat. I cannot fix it. See?  I have labwork and paperwork that support this notion. So there it is. The cool thing about that particular brand of resignation is it allows for an acceptance of the larger version of myself and serves as a license to just eat what I want and be sedentary because I cannot win this war anyway.

There is a whole uncool side of that too. That is the side that is pissed. Pissed off that I will never achieve what thin people do, or so I thought. It is this anger that would lead to the multitude of failed weight loss attempts. The commercial diet programs where I could never quite reach the goal. Not to say theses were bad diets for the most part. Each one offers something that is relevant and helpful. However, in retrospect I can honestly say my failure likely came from my reluctance to accept my own chemistry. Take Weight Watchers. "Eat what you want"'they said. Perfect. I did not have to let go of the foods I liked. The breads. The pizza. The cookie. .......oh the cookie......having a Girl Scout Thin Mint fantasy moment......  Anyway, I carefully measured and counted points. I would lose. Of course I would lose. I had traded my resignation to fatness to being on calorie count. The losing would stop eventually. I would stall out and then quit. Why the hell should I meticulously count points if the scale would only mock me in the end anyway.

Even after gastric bypass, where my eating was surgically restricted and my ability to tolerate sweets was taken away I still decided I needed sweets in my life.  There is really only so much savory one can tolerate. I tried artificially sweetened stuff like sugar free candy or sugar free protein bars. Guess what. After a particularly unpleasant experience after eating a "low carb" protein  bar....yep, thought I might be dying.....it was explained to me by my dietitian that some people process sugar alcohols the same as sugar. It turns out most "sugar free" stuff has sugar alcohol. That is me. So that leaves most heavily artificially sweetened things out.

In a triumphant,"I will have carbs and be healthy" moment I jumped on the whole grain bandwagon making a trip to whole foods for every whole grain known to man and made granola. Yep. Cannot lose with that either. Damn it. It just did not seem fair that others could have all the carbs they wanted yet I could not. Not even the "good carbs". As a side note I now maintain that particular phrase is an oxymoron.

So, what it boils down to is this. My body chemistry is such that if have to make a choice. Carbs of any kind or be fat. Period. I decided nearly two years ago to cut the carbs and see what happened. Well first things first. Nobody, I mean nobody, can live on bacon and eggs around the clock. It sucks. Despite the hype, bacon does lose its appeal when that is all you have. I have always loved to cook, so have had to refocus on just what I was making.  I challenged myself to make things with some flavor. Most importantly, I challenged myself to color. Once upon a time I had seen something on TV about "brown food". All unhealthy food was brown. Fried. Bread. Starch. All brown. So when I cook now I like to count how many colors I can get on the plate and more importantly, how does it taste. I figured if I was dealt this hand I might as well own it.  It has not been all sunshine and roses. I have had some epic fails in the kitchen just like anyone else. Food that did not even remotely resemble the picture on Pinterest or taste anything like I thought it would but I am figuring it out. My latest passion?  The spiralizer. Zucchini noodles with avocado pesto was my latest conquest.

So, where did that leave me? Leaving the carbs behind 20 months ago has left me 77 pounds lighter.  It gave me a stunning appointment with my PCP who told me to stop my insulin resistance lowering medication last time "because you do not need it."  Yet, at the same time I have developed a new phobia. Fear of carbs. Trust me. It is a thing. Now I need the occasional carb to enhance my performance in the gym and have a healthy fear of what carbs do to me.

Nonetheless, this comes to mind to say that lots of us have been dealt the obesity hand for one reason or another, but it is possible to stop cursing the hand and instead embrace that chemistry and try to move on to a completely different place.