Live Our Lives in Chains

"Pinball Wizard", "Owner of the Lonely Heart", "I Can't Drive 55".....thus went the rocking playlist for the power workout the other day. The trainer, who is likely half my age, admitted with a chuckle,  had never heard half of the songs. Well, the other forty somethings and I had a great time singing along and in my case, tormenting my 20 year old working out with me that day, who surely would have preferred a little Wiz Khalifa to power through that 300 meter row.

By the time I hit the tread blocks, I was ready for the all outs that would surely come being a power day when I found myself suddenly blindsided. Hit square between the eyes with the musical styling of the Eagles. More specifically "Already Gone". I had not heard this in probably a decade. . As I sang along in my head, as singing out loud had two problems. First, I cannot carry a tune and second, running at full tilt on the treadmill does not lend itself to breathing let alone singing. However, there are times when you hear a song that feels a bit like an old shoe but suddenly seems all new again.

Well I know it wasn't you who held me down
Heaven knows it wasn't you who set me free
So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key

....and there it is..the reminder of all those times in my life I had blamed other people for my struggles with obesity. I had the bullies who's words were all too easy to settle into. There were those in my life who needed me to be that fat person to fill a need in their own lives.  I had my self imposed limitations where I put myself in that box. The one where I was convinced I "will never be thin, I am
Just not made that way" "I am not a runner and never will be" The laundry list of "I can't do that" which includes everything from wearing clothes not found in the plus size section to sticking to a healthy lifestyle to running a mile to ever even considering being on a rower.

 I was reminded I did live my life in chains. In my mind's eye I see the large links on the iron chains that wrapped around the Marley brothers from the Dickens classic. Each link a different representation of the things that kept me from reaching goals or moving in a positive direction. There are people on some of the links, other links hold my own limitations I have placed on myself some new, some so old that those links had been deeply imbedded in my own psyche. As I have battled through all of this, little by little snipping off link after link over the last two years:   diet, exercise, attitude, and changing relationships, I find I still am surprised by these links falling away. As the song goes, I finally learned I had the key all along.

So as I puff along through the LONG all outs that day...a full minute sprint might as well be a decade in this new runner's world,  I realize it is time to embrace the old me before I put her on a shelf as she has made me who I am today but at the same time realize she is already gone. That being said, it is time to lace up the Nike runners I love so much and have at it again. The big scary race is in 21 days and the only way to silence that little voice in my head from one of those chain links that says "maybe I can't do this" is to get to work so I can truly as the song goes."sing that victory song".